Eat more calamari--before it eats us

I've been warning y'all for years, the squid are coming to get us. And they mean business, baby. Humboldt, or Jumbo squid are nasty 100-lb, 7 foot long squid that travel in packs and cannibalize each other. And did I mention they may have a sophisticated method of communication? Hunt cooperatively? Can jump far enough out of the water to be named "Jumbo Flying Squid"? Or that Mexican fishermen call them "Diablos Rojos" ("Red Devils") ?

Until recently they were only seen in a small area of the ocean near the equator. Now, they're clearly following their part of the Squid World Domination Plan. Jumbo squid have taken up residence as far North as Monterey Bay. And that's only the far limit we know for permanent habitation, some have been spotted up around Alaska. Where's a spilling oil tanker when we need one?Marine Biologists seem concerned about attacks on swimming humans or damage to commercial fishing. 100 lb hungry squid like to eat, y'know.

I'm far more worried about the fate of the human species. Several years ago the Discovery Channel ran a special called "The Future is Wild!" They projected evolutionary changes from present-day animals. So, 200 million years from now earth is devoid of the human race. We've left for the stars. Now there is a tree-dwelling species with large brains, the capacity for group cooperation, and extremities capable of manipulation to make tools and fire. They use weapons, such as throwing objects.

Australopithecus?

F*ck NO! It's THE DAMN SQUID INHERITING THE EARTH! The little bastards are going to evolve, build spaceships, and leave earth to come after us! Today, Monterey Bay and Alaskan waters. Tomorrow, Alpha Centauri.


Our only hope in this scenario is that Giant squid will also evolve. They will become land-dwelling creatures filling the current niche of large predators. Think of an elephant with eight legs and two tentacles. And a really, really big beak. And an appetite for smaller, intelligent tree-dwelling squid.

I've been doing my part for years to eat more calamari. Add it to your regular diet. It's the only hope for humanity.

Ciao, MV7

Despite the testosterone charged atmosphere in the NFL, looks like the Commissioner is the only guy who's got a pair. He's suspended Michael Vick.


Blogs and news shows have been repeating a talking point over and over: innocent until proven guilty. Many people are pressing to not impose any consequences until the outcome of his presumed trial in Federal court. Bad idea.

• "Innocent until proven guilty" refers to how we decide to deprive citizens of their physical freedom. Incarcerating someone is the most severe punishment (aside from execution) that can be imposed by our government. So the only place of a jury's judgement is in that context. What if we applied the phrase to other aspects of life? Have you ever been fired or let go from a job based on charges that would result in a criminal conviction? Do you think that was wrong to be fired without a jury trial? What if you were a boss and had to make personnel moves for only those reasons? Don't you keep your children away from a creepy next-door neighbor based on your impressions, rather than solid evidence meeting the test of admissibility? Evaluation of one's actions in a legal light is just that---judgement on a legal basis. It should never be considered in factors aside from locking someone up.

• In solely practical terms, the distraction of these charges is enormous. Can you imagine road games? Opposing fans, cities, morning deejays, PETA, etc. will be merciless. There are a bunch of other guys around him trying to play football and earn endorsements. They don't deserve this kind of distraction any more than you deserve working with a deadbeat who generates bill-collection calls to your workplace. Vick's actions affect everyone in the organization.
  

• This isn't a small matter, it carries a much longer jail term than say, a DUI. A DUI can be the result of a momentary bad decision in an otherwise (relatively) stable person. These charges are from a long-term offense, like money laundering, where lots of people and intent over an extended period of time is required. And with a conviction rate of 95% or so on Federal charges, it's very likely he will be convicted or serve time.

• At the very least, he's shown extreme negligence. He bought a house and property, knew there were people there who were convicted criminals, and (he says) never set foot on the property or checked on it for five years. Because of his alleged oversight, his money was used to establish and run an illegal and thoroughly disgusting venture. It wouldn't have happened had he not used NFL money. Why give him any more?
  

• Michael Vick isn't being paid to throw a football, he's being paid to throw a football while being televised and watched by millions. His job isn't just to accomplish a mechanical end, it includes representing the team and the city. The NFL is a legal monopoly for that reason. Ultimately football is like moviemaking. If you're a great actor/actress/director that's great, but you don't get paid unless you can sell your product. Brad Pitt gets paid huge advances for signing a contract based on the fact that people will go because he's in the movie. His appearances on Entertainment Tonight and in other media are part of what drives his appeal. Michael Vick is no different. Image, conduct, and other "soft" factors come into play, and they should be considered in light of his job performance.

It's scary to have a bunch of millionaires running around who are being taught they don't have to follow any rules. The NFL Commissioner is making it clear that if you're a player, you can't be assured of keeping your job as long as you make the minumum requirement---staying out of jail.

Dog's in the kennel

The heartwarming story of a man, his dog(s), and a rape stand.

Religion identity confusion

Only in America: if we choose, we can trash the faith we're born into, and make up our own. It worked out well for Shirley MacLaine! Our multicultural diversity makes finding your own faith too much work, which is why so many Americans have vague spiritual beliefs and support "religious" leaders like Creflo Dollar--whose website has admittedly impressive financial options and advice. So to narrow down one's system of thought and faith, Beliefnet brings us Belief-O-Matic. With only 20 questions you can decide who (or what) you should be worshiping, or if you should just be partying like it's 1999.

I range from 100% Unitarian Universalist (probably because you can believe anything and you're a Unitarian) and high percentages in Liberal Quaker (ism?) or Buddhism. On the other hand, I only have a 9 % chance of being a Jehovah's Witness (probably because they have really rigid beliefs.) Thank God. Or whoever.

Just specks of dust in an endless universe

Take a few minutes and see your true place in the big (and small) scheme of things.

Universcale

Makes you feel better about missing that work deadline, yes?

Totally stolen from Carmen's blog

Y'all think I can make this sh*t up every day? Nah. Besides, I wanted to try the excitement of html. Whatever the hell it is. It sure has a lot of <> thingies. Take a good look at this post if you like it, I'm sure I will screw it up later fooling around.

My Star Wars Name And Title

My Star Wars Name: Carem Sadec My Star Wars Title: Yrefis of Eehc

Do You Really Care What The F*ck Is Your Star Wars Name and Title? Probably Not. Now Go Away Before I Taunt You A Second Time.

Prenatal baby abuse

I've never been pregnant and don't plan to be that way. Expectant mothers are advised not to drink, smoke, skydive, or do anything fun. What a drag.

Pregnancy also changes once-sane adult women into masses of quivering estrogen. They throw up every morning. Their boobs inflate to Goodyear blimp size masses. They cry because the bathroom is the wrong color for the newly purchased bath towels. It's like they are possessed, which I guess they are in a sense. Our species could never survive without impulses making women stretch headphones across their swollen abdomens, playing music to a fetus that hasn't even developed ears to listen.

All this womb-centered hysteria can mark a child for life. While in the throes of this madness, women attempt to name their babies. The results are at times painful for the children and all human beings they will interact with in their lifetime, as teachers, new acquaintances, and the hostess at Red Lobster attempt to pronounce "Amezolina". Somewhere an innocent child is at play, unaware that her future holds a horrifying experience; interviewing a job applicant named "Holiday Merlot Smith".

I'm not the only one fascinated by this phenomenon. A woman named Diane Goodman has built an entire website of material cribbed from baby-naming boards. The names are funny, Ms. Goodman's analysis is even funnier. And I'm sure some parents have stumbled on her thought-provoking site and decided their child didn't really need a name with four "y's". She should get a non-violence award for all the schoolyard beatings she's prevented.

One of the reasons I've never had kids is during a barracks drinking spree at Ft. Huachuca, we all swore on a common name for our firstborns: Dogfish Hyra. I've always wondered if any of those other people carried out their oath. So if anyone runs across a Dogfish H. Smith, let me know.

The annual running of the imbeciles

Next time you lose your car keys or exit an elevator on the wrong floor, console yourself---you're not dumb. This is dumb.

Score for the bulls this year: 2 gorings, 7 crushes. And one photographer scored the picture of a lifetime.

I used to think the people of Pamplona were an isolated group of crazies before I met a guy from Spain in one of my classes. He lived in a small town (I don't remember the name) where they had the same ritual of trying to get themselves trampled or stuck while running the local streets. To prove it, he had a scar on his upper arm from a goring. He was incredibly modest about his idiocy, saying that their bulls were just "little ones". From the look of his scar they were damned well big enough to skewer his bicep.

Another "Shut Your Flappin' Pie Hole" award winner

Remember British Historian Felipe Fernandez-Armesto, who was arrested after rumbling over jaywalking? Well, he's still got his Union-Jack boxers in a twist over the incident. The Atlanta PD issued a 101 page report clearing the police officer, and the professor is still unable to shut up and go back to writing meaningless academic drivel.

I would think a man with multiple academic degrees could read "Atlanta Police" on a jacket. Or deduce that he's subject to the laws of the country he's in, not the country he's from. I visited Italy several years ago. The police carry around submachine guns. If an officer there had yelled at me, I'd have been as submissive as a twink in a gay leather bar. This weenie from the U.K reminds me of Yankees who announce "that's not how we do it in (whatever Northern City)". Dude---you don't like it, Hartsfield International operates 24/7. You insist on doing things your way anyhow, you'll be exploring our legal system from the inside.

Professor Pretentiously-Hyphenated-Last-Name has announced that his "goodwill is not inexhaustible". Apparently neither is his penchant for being an a#&hole.

Happy hurricane season!

Oh, just freakin' great. The Atlantic is cranking up to flood the East coast, and half the people who forecast and track the storms have mutinied, saying their boss is getting too involved in politics instead of checking the damn barometer.

What the hell is up with the Bush administration? Is it just me, or have all government agencies (NASA, CDC, anybody who might even mention global warming, Attorney General's office, etc.) become ideologically driven? I can't wait to see how they're going to fill the Air Traffic Controller vacancies. Your next flight will be guided by a conservative anti-abortion homophobic misogynist pro-Iraq war white male. Let's hope they tear themselves away from the the Rush Limbaugh show long enough to land a couple of planes.

God Bless America

I love the American spirit. We're unique. What other nation celebrates Independence with such a wide array of opportunities to injure or kill yourself? On July 4th we gather in drunken groups to blow fingers off with fireworks or set fire to ourselves via grills.

In Atlanta, the hurting starts early with the Peachtree Road Race. 55,000 official entrants, plus an unknown number of unofficial "stringers" run, walk, and crawl 6.2 miles down Peachtree in the Summer heat. If you have never seen the Peachtree, it's quite a spectacle. The logistical arrangement is fascinating. Getting 55,000 people to run together is clearly an accomplishment close to putting a man on the moon.

The runners don't all start at the same time, they're divided into time groups. The elite runners start first, and every few minutes thereafter another wave moves up to the start line and begins at their own time. Since runners are by definition anxious to get moving, the time groups are seperated with the clarity of Indian castes. They're herded into enormous enclosures I call "holding pens". Volunteers direct runners by bib number (for example, runners with numbers starting with 7 are in that time group) to where to wait for the start of the race. You can drop back and start in a later time group if you want to run with a friend or get a few extra minutes of sleep. Trying to sneak into a higher time group is about as easy as infiltrating Al Queda.

Each holding pen (composed of chain link fences and orange netting) is self-contained, with it's own water station, porta-potties, and volunteer cadre. For about two hours, it's like a little mini-city of 5,000 along Peachtree street. To move runners to the starting line, the volunteers remove the netting from the front of the pen. Several of them take up positions at the front with signs marked on the front with "WALK" and "STOP" on the back. By flipping these signs back and forth, they can control the movement of the group without the dreaded "pileup" effect, when the back of a large group keeps moving when the front has stopped. All in all, it's a very organized and well-run process. It helps that many of the volunteer groups are composed of the same people who work the same station each year, so they have preassigned jobs that are old hat.

The pain of the Peachtree road race can be measured in numbers. According to the Atlanta Track club runners will collectively burn 34 million calories. 120,000 gallons of water is used in a futile attempt to keep runners cool during the race. It's distributed in 65,00 bottles and 500,000 paper cups for drinking, and for cooling by spray hoses. Even Jesus tries to keep everyone from stroking out on the race course.

Of course, only 54, 950 runners are really hurting. About 50 world class African runners drop in and leave Americans in the dust. They collect their T-shirts and depart Hartsfield International before time group 9 even gets to the starting line.

Chick parody

It was only a matter of time before smartasses like me found Jack Chick and started making fun of him. After all, who could miss as big of a target as a crazy fundy conspiricy theorist/bad cartoonist? The Jack T. Chick Parody Archives
Has thoughtfully collected some of the best parodies to be found. "The Holy and the Homo" is my favorite. "Dead to Rights" (pictured) does earn best runner up; Depicting Jack Chick meeting his maker and trying to explain why he wrote all those crazy tracts...Priceless.

The site also details the nastygrams recived from Chick's lawyers. Apparently when under attack from the Forces of Darkness Driven Parody Website, Jack T. Chick doesn't turn to prayer, he turns to his lawyers. Now who's trafficking with the Devil in this picture? It's hard to answer the question of WWJS---Who Would Jesus Sue?