The State Legislature is in sexi...er, session

Our illustrious leaders are gathered under the gold dome to serve the citizens of Georgia. Let the circus begin! Many times these legislators have been so bunged up over a stupid or obscure issue, they can't wait to get to Atlanta and shoot their mouths off. This session it's going to be hard to top Rep. Calvin Hill (R-Canton.)

On February 2nd, this story appeared in the AJC---Rep. Hill had somehow gotten his hands on a Georgia State University guide, which listed professors as experts in such areas as oral sex (gasp!) and male prostitution (double gasp!) He was outraged tax dollars pay for college courses in these topics, and issued a fatwa to rally the faithful. Being informed Georgia State offers no such courses didn't assuage his righteous indignation. No reason to let facts get in the way, right?

A few days later, a follow up story showed Camp Bizarro gaining followers. Enthusiastically joining the witch hunt were Rep. Charlice Byrd (R-Woodstock) and Georgia Christian Coalition President Jim Beck, who called for legislative hearings on the ungodly mix of heathen eggheads, taxes, and wee-wees. This all might be funny--until you realize Rep. Hill is Vice Chair of the House Appropriations Committee. Georgia State faculty offered numerous rejoinders to the accusations, without much result since obsessive-compulsive combing of all college courses in the entire State revealed some with "queer"(triple gasp!) in the title. I will never understand how these offended people can endure hours, days, and weeks searching for something that will offend them. I'd rather spend time looking for things I enjoy, and don't send me into a maddened frenzy. Maybe it's just me.

Finally someone at Georgia State stopped laughing long enough to send two of the listed experts to testify before the House. The "male prostitution expert," Professor Kirk Elifson, said his research is aimed at cutting the rate of sexually transmitted diseases. Georgia has a high rate of STD's so this seems sensible. However Mr. Elifson understood he was dealing with politicians, making sense wins no points in the legislature. So he stated he had become an expert while serving in the Army in Viet Nam. Checkmate move, Professor! I've found playing the Veteran's card on rabid family-values flag-waving Republicans shuts them up. (Temporarily anyway.) Despite their hawkishness few have actually been in uniform, or even watched Saving Private Ryan. Those who have served go into immediate feedback loop/meltdown, where they try to process how another Vet could be such a commie pinko longhair. And poor Rep. Hill must have been really bummed when the "oral sex expert" implied her work could be useful to prevent teens from having oral sex. How the hell can a God-fearing uptight Republican oppose less sex? Game over, man.

Having lost the high ground, Rep. Hill backtracked. He declined to ask the GSU expert heathens any questions, and later blamed the media for "blowing the subject [giggle!] out of proportion." Continuing his unintentional Freudian leakage, he told the AJC “It’s been taken sideways by people who like the titillating words.” This man is a walking, talking invitation for me to create another drinking game. And again, maybe it's just me, but I like to keep my titillating words in places for uh, titillation. Like the bedroom. Oh, maybe the kitchen table occasionally, perhaps airport restrooms if I'm really drunk and lucky. But a subcommittee of the Georgia State Legislature? Dear God, if you're using titillating words there, you are an irredeemable pervert.

Rep. Byrd, on the other hand, hasn't given up the good fight against blowjo---uh, ungodly smut. Her website currently has a vaguely ominous fatwa (warning: EXTREMELY annoying video.) It's a merger of paranoia and bad English, such as "...there is a professor at UGA that has confirmed and verified courses in 'Queer Theory' among other things are being [sic] taught. " If this woman wasn't immersed in Theory of Porno 2101 during her college years, what was she doing? Her alma mater (SE Louisiana) may be morally superior to UGA, but at least University of Sodom and Georgia students learn English when they aren't sexing it up in the classroom. BTW, Rep. Byrd shares her colleague's unfortunate Freudian leakage. Even as a longtime resident of Decatur, I've seen few hairstyles screaming "dyke" as loudly as the one in her video. I bet she lives for fish taco night at La Parrilla, and has no idea why.