The State Legislature is in sexi...er, session

Our illustrious leaders are gathered under the gold dome to serve the citizens of Georgia. Let the circus begin! Many times these legislators have been so bunged up over a stupid or obscure issue, they can't wait to get to Atlanta and shoot their mouths off. This session it's going to be hard to top Rep. Calvin Hill (R-Canton.)

On February 2nd, this story appeared in the AJC---Rep. Hill had somehow gotten his hands on a Georgia State University guide, which listed professors as experts in such areas as oral sex (gasp!) and male prostitution (double gasp!) He was outraged tax dollars pay for college courses in these topics, and issued a fatwa to rally the faithful. Being informed Georgia State offers no such courses didn't assuage his righteous indignation. No reason to let facts get in the way, right?

A few days later, a follow up story showed Camp Bizarro gaining followers. Enthusiastically joining the witch hunt were Rep. Charlice Byrd (R-Woodstock) and Georgia Christian Coalition President Jim Beck, who called for legislative hearings on the ungodly mix of heathen eggheads, taxes, and wee-wees. This all might be funny--until you realize Rep. Hill is Vice Chair of the House Appropriations Committee. Georgia State faculty offered numerous rejoinders to the accusations, without much result since obsessive-compulsive combing of all college courses in the entire State revealed some with "queer"(triple gasp!) in the title. I will never understand how these offended people can endure hours, days, and weeks searching for something that will offend them. I'd rather spend time looking for things I enjoy, and don't send me into a maddened frenzy. Maybe it's just me.

Finally someone at Georgia State stopped laughing long enough to send two of the listed experts to testify before the House. The "male prostitution expert," Professor Kirk Elifson, said his research is aimed at cutting the rate of sexually transmitted diseases. Georgia has a high rate of STD's so this seems sensible. However Mr. Elifson understood he was dealing with politicians, making sense wins no points in the legislature. So he stated he had become an expert while serving in the Army in Viet Nam. Checkmate move, Professor! I've found playing the Veteran's card on rabid family-values flag-waving Republicans shuts them up. (Temporarily anyway.) Despite their hawkishness few have actually been in uniform, or even watched Saving Private Ryan. Those who have served go into immediate feedback loop/meltdown, where they try to process how another Vet could be such a commie pinko longhair. And poor Rep. Hill must have been really bummed when the "oral sex expert" implied her work could be useful to prevent teens from having oral sex. How the hell can a God-fearing uptight Republican oppose less sex? Game over, man.

Having lost the high ground, Rep. Hill backtracked. He declined to ask the GSU expert heathens any questions, and later blamed the media for "blowing the subject [giggle!] out of proportion." Continuing his unintentional Freudian leakage, he told the AJC “It’s been taken sideways by people who like the titillating words.” This man is a walking, talking invitation for me to create another drinking game. And again, maybe it's just me, but I like to keep my titillating words in places for uh, titillation. Like the bedroom. Oh, maybe the kitchen table occasionally, perhaps airport restrooms if I'm really drunk and lucky. But a subcommittee of the Georgia State Legislature? Dear God, if you're using titillating words there, you are an irredeemable pervert.

Rep. Byrd, on the other hand, hasn't given up the good fight against blowjo---uh, ungodly smut. Her website currently has a vaguely ominous fatwa (warning: EXTREMELY annoying video.) It's a merger of paranoia and bad English, such as "...there is a professor at UGA that has confirmed and verified courses in 'Queer Theory' among other things are being [sic] taught. " If this woman wasn't immersed in Theory of Porno 2101 during her college years, what was she doing? Her alma mater (SE Louisiana) may be morally superior to UGA, but at least University of Sodom and Georgia students learn English when they aren't sexing it up in the classroom. BTW, Rep. Byrd shares her colleague's unfortunate Freudian leakage. Even as a longtime resident of Decatur, I've seen few hairstyles screaming "dyke" as loudly as the one in her video. I bet she lives for fish taco night at La Parrilla, and has no idea why.

Chat with God

Church is so 20th Century. Why bother? To speak with the Eternal Creator, all you have to do is log on to iGod. (Motto: "Repenting made easy"). Salvation is pretty easy too---I asked God what would make him happy, He said maybe a million dollars. Yeah, a lot of cash, but He takes Visa, Mastercard, personal check, Discover card, pesos, jewelry, pretty much any form of payment. So all I have to do is write a check. I'll add that to my Gubb list of things to do this week, and I can cross out "ensure eternal peace".

The afterlife seems rather boring, though, God referred me to another link when I asked Him for a joke. This is never a good sign.

Religion identity confusion

Only in America: if we choose, we can trash the faith we're born into, and make up our own. It worked out well for Shirley MacLaine! Our multicultural diversity makes finding your own faith too much work, which is why so many Americans have vague spiritual beliefs and support "religious" leaders like Creflo Dollar--whose website has admittedly impressive financial options and advice. So to narrow down one's system of thought and faith, Beliefnet brings us Belief-O-Matic. With only 20 questions you can decide who (or what) you should be worshiping, or if you should just be partying like it's 1999.

I range from 100% Unitarian Universalist (probably because you can believe anything and you're a Unitarian) and high percentages in Liberal Quaker (ism?) or Buddhism. On the other hand, I only have a 9 % chance of being a Jehovah's Witness (probably because they have really rigid beliefs.) Thank God. Or whoever.

Chick parody

It was only a matter of time before smartasses like me found Jack Chick and started making fun of him. After all, who could miss as big of a target as a crazy fundy conspiricy theorist/bad cartoonist? The Jack T. Chick Parody Archives
Has thoughtfully collected some of the best parodies to be found. "The Holy and the Homo" is my favorite. "Dead to Rights" (pictured) does earn best runner up; Depicting Jack Chick meeting his maker and trying to explain why he wrote all those crazy tracts...Priceless.

The site also details the nastygrams recived from Chick's lawyers. Apparently when under attack from the Forces of Darkness Driven Parody Website, Jack T. Chick doesn't turn to prayer, he turns to his lawyers. Now who's trafficking with the Devil in this picture? It's hard to answer the question of WWJS---Who Would Jesus Sue?

Further adventures in hell---the wonderful world of Jack Chick

Feel like winning some souls for Jesus? Here's a great tool, Chick Tracts! Jack Chick was an unsuccessful comic book artist until he had a big conversion experience. He decided to serve the Lord by cranking out lovely little tracts to save the heathens of the world. As you can see, he spares no punches in his effort to scare unsaved into stampeding for the Big Net of Jesus.

Wandering through his website is like visiting a conspiracy theory convention. Mohammad was inspired to create Islam through some kind of machinations of the Catholic Church. The Catholics are headed by the Antichrist, who is plainly the Pope. Schools are full of ungodly types who invite homosexuals (with little devils on their shoulders) to recruit children, or force that crazy Theory of Evolution down their throats. And woe be unto little Suzy, who must resist her teacher's manipulations to push children to wear Halloween costumes. Because everyone knows that leads to hell. Demonically influenced record company executives, bosses, abortion counselors, condom distributers,(whatever those are) Satan is behind it all.

Many of Chicks's tracts have a recurring plot. Demons (small, dark, ethnic appearing apparitions) try to keep the righteous friend/grandma/other saved person from witnessing to the unsaved friend/granddaughter/other Godless person. They flatten tires or delay the witnesser. Angels ( big white men) counter with their own moves, like sending a helpful Samaritan to change the tire. Most of the time the unsaved get right with Jesus, and they live happily ever after. But occasionally, the errant sinner decides otherwise, and dies within 24 hours. After all, the big decision is made, why bother filling a few pages with the rest of their earthly life? Next stop: Hell! I love happy endings!

In ChickThink, the Devil has lots of time on his hands to greet his new residents personally, explaining that if they'd done things the Chick Way, they'd be hanging with the big man upstairs and the friend/grandma/other saved person. And Jack Chick, who undoubtedly pictures himself up there saying smugly "I told you so".